Monday 30 December 2013

Dear Heart,

I have taken the plunge.
I have been brave and bold and daring - all the things I never thought I could be. In doing this I have remained true to myself and stayed caring and thoughtful. I am now no longer a part of a couple. Our life together is now over and although we have remained friends no more will we live together or share our lives so intimately together. No more plans for the future as a pair. Our plans now take on different forms - alone.
It is something I felt coming for a long time now. As well as we do get along we just want different things and, ultimately, why drag things along when the ending is pretty clear. We both want to go on a different path and we weren't willing to forge a new one together. These things do happen, and it is sad and it will take a while to move on, but we will. I know that. Next year will bring many new things for me.
 
I feel that there is something that I must learn though. I must learn to stop thinking about you so often as I do. You creep up on me when I least expect it and the problem is I have a sinking feeling that it is not the same for you. I have to tell myself (probably daily) that this is not how love works. You shouldn't have to push it. I shouldn't have to feel that I need to push my existence back into your memory.
 
For now, until you come to me, I shall say farewell.
 
Love (always?)
 
Me.

Thursday 29 August 2013

Dear Heart,

Sometimes I find myself questioning my judgement on you. I find that as time goes by from our cherished moment together that I begin to wonder if it really meant anything to you. Do you just say these things because you can, because you think it'll make me happy? Or course, it does make me happy, but what would really make me happy would be if you stop being so aloof! Speak to me! There are so many memories I want you to recall - do you remember them on your own or is it only when I bring them up do they start to filter back into that beautifully romantic mind of yours? I think I shall start reminding you of our memories more often... it's only fair that you should be cursed with having to remember all those wonderful times too! I hope you're happy.
 
Love (I guess always),
 
Me.

Tuesday 27 August 2013

Dear Heart,

My boyfriend and I almost broke up yesterday. It was such an odd day. Things hadn't gone well the night before and we ended up having a big talk in the morning, but never finished it. That night we climbed into bed and I turned off the light - I always find it easier to talk with the light off, just looking at the dim outlines of each other makes it easier for people to talk, there's less pressure. So we talked... and talked... and I cried. It's funny, for weeks now I've been building myself up to break up (things just don't feel right anymore) and then, in the moment of it all - there was no shouting or arguing, we were just discussing it - all I could think of was all the things that I would miss about him. My mind buzzed with all of the things we have done together, the places we have been and what breaking up would mean and I just couldn't do it. Now was not the right time, for either of us. I found myself reaching out to my angels. I pleaded with them to help me, to help him to understand and not feel pain. I begged them to focus all their attention on him and leave me with the pain. I would gladly take the heartbreak in order for him to feel in control. They came to my aid in a way that was perfect... and he suggested that we give it a time frame. We would try one last time to make it work, give ourselves a month and if things aren't working or aren't changing and we feel the same... well, we would try and be friends we said. I explained that I didn't want to lose him as a friend, I whispered softly into the night that I would be scared to be going it alone and hoped that he would not leave me in such a way. We lay there silently, both deep in thought about what would happen if, in a month, we find that things have not changed. I thought about all the things that I would have to do, packing away all the memories and starting new. I thought about how bare I would leave the place we now call home, so much of the little things in this house are mine.
Whatever the outcome is now, I am pleased that we were able to discuss it in a way that didn't leave us falling out. Whatever the outcome we both know we tried.
 
Please, dear heart, please give me time to figure this out. I still think about you, I always will, but I need time to work through my mind. One way or another.
 
Love (I guess always),
 
Me.

Sunday 25 August 2013

Dear Heart,

You're like a drug. When I spend any time with you it takes me so long to get over it. I sit doing my everyday life jobs and you just creep into my mind. Whisperings of all the memories we have shared. I find myself daydreaming of what I want to happen; of how our lives will one day be entwined and everyone of our friends would declare that it was "about time!" Then I have to haul myself back into the real world and hope and pray that perhaps one day my dream would come true. 
I know I shouldn't allow myself to feel like this and dream like this, but it's your fault! You do these things to me! You make me dream and feel inspired again. I wonder how long it'll take me to get over you this time? Last time I managed to tell myself that I needed to just let go… now I just can't. Why didn't I say all the things I wanted to say when I had the chance?! One day I will tell you, I have to or I will always be daydreaming and wondering. I'll be lost in my hopes and wishes and never move on and live my life (with or without you). 

Please don't forget me. 

Love (I guess always),

Me. 

Saturday 24 August 2013

Dear Heart,

I don't know how you do it, but you do. The truth is I have always loved you; from the very first moment that we met. I was nervous in our new surroundings and I felt that with you there I would be alright. Who would have known that I would have thrived though? That I would have blossomed under you watchful eye and helping hand. You always believed in me, never faltered, never questioned me or laughed at me or made me feel less than I was. If anything you always made me feel like I was the most amazing person in the world. Even now, years later, one evening spent with you and I feel elated, invigorated, like I truly am unique and wonderful and deserving of your affection. Even now my heart jumps and my butterflies, too often now lying dormant, begin to flutter in spirals. How can you still make me feel this way? For those few wonderful hours I felt like I was yours, truly yours and that the way you looked at me was the way that you would look at me forever more. I let myself believe that the safe, protecting, loving arms were there ones that were always going to envelope me and hold me close. I fooled myself into thinking that this was the way it would be, that this would be our happy ever after... and then I went home and lay next to the man in my bed. Mine and his bed. Wracked with guilt at how I had let myself get sucked into our little imaginary world.
I don't know how you do it, dear heart, but with a few words you manage to make my heart sing and my soul feel like it can soar above the world.
 
Love (I guess always),
 
Me.