Dear Heart,

A text from you:

Hey, C! We're all heading out tonight. Hoping you'll come along too?? x

Urgh, and just like that you are smack bang at the front of my mind again. I get all swept up in the moment. My heart fluttering because you have thought of me.

Then I actually think about it. Can I afford it before payday? Can I even be bothered?

My reply:

Aye up. Yeah maybe, not sure. What's the plan? x

Your reply comes in an instant, so unlike you, and declares that I have to come out, for old times sake. We've not all been out in ages, that is true after all. I guess, it's how much you seem to genuinely want me to come that makes me make up my mind.
Even though I have hardly any money.
Even though I have nothing to wear.
Even though I've not seen you for ages.
I'll be there.

Love (with hope),

Me

Dear Heart,

Today I was reminded of one of our many nights out while at university.

It all started with the usual drinks at ours and then on to the different places around town. I don't remember much of that part of the night. They were usually filled with drinking (perhaps too much), dancing and laughing constantly. Sometimes laughing at your dancing skills. It was the time in the early hours of the morning that I remember most though, when we would stumble in through the door laughing and singing. The other housemates had gone home that weekend (as they so often did) and with nothing to keep us quiet it wasn't long before we had the guitar out singing and playing random songs. At the time I am almost certain we thought we were amazing, singing until our throats were sore... looking back, we were probably horrific. It doesn't matter either way because that memory of us is filled with such joy and love. At the time it was just the love of a friend, I hadn't yet been lead to believe that you were the one that I should be with. The one my heart was really calling out to.

I look back now on that night and it was just one of those perfectly imperfect moments. Where time seems to just pause. The dust stills in the air and the wind ceases to move and bend the trees. We were just us - pure, happy, stupid.

When did we lose that?

Love,

Me

Dear Heart,

I have been doing a lot of inward soul searching of late. Over the past few years I have felt my heart and soul growing darker and more heavy. Recently it has become too much of a burden for me to carry on my own and without having someone to share in those hard moments with I decided to take the plunge and see a professional.

For now, I am moving along slowly. Trying to learn to love myself more than anything else - which has always been something I know I have struggled with. One day soon perhaps I will get there.

I do find myself yearning for someone like you, who always made me feel like I was someone special and worthwhile. Like I was destined for great things and was this presence that brought light to the world. Perhaps I need to try to make myself feel like that instead.

Love (alone),
Me

Dear Heart,

Over two years have passed and although we have met up on a number of occasion (the number I could probably count on my hand) not much has changed between you and I. In fact, I fear that we have grown further apart and our lives are destined to drift ever along two different tracks. Sometimes I still feel that when we're together we fit too perfectly together, but then I have to shake myself and to spring back that memory that perhaps it's not to be.

So, what's new with me...

Not a lot.
I was seeing a guy towards the end of 2014 and brought in 2016 together where he met my mum. We got dressed up, went to a ball and had a whale of a time. And then, a couple of weeks after reigning in the new year he decided that it wasn't to be for us... and then a few weeks after that I discovered that the main reason for this was the fact that the other girl he was clearly seeing was pregnant! So that was the end of that! He had a little girl and they all look very happy together, so I'm pleased for him that everything's settled.
Following that I spent the majority of the year on my own, had a few cheeky online flirts, but nothing came from it. Then earlier this year I went on my first date in a long time and although he was lovely and we had an enjoyable night I could tell that nothing more was going to come from it. And that was fine. Now, I am still single and just mulling along.

I'm not that bothered by guys at the moment, perhaps I need to focus my heart inwardly for a change.

Bye for now,

Love (quietly),
Me