Dear Heart,

A text from you:

Hey, C! We're all heading out tonight. Hoping you'll come along too?? x

Urgh, and just like that you are smack bang at the front of my mind again. I get all swept up in the moment. My heart fluttering because you have thought of me.

Then I actually think about it. Can I afford it before payday? Can I even be bothered?

My reply:

Aye up. Yeah maybe, not sure. What's the plan? x

Your reply comes in an instant, so unlike you, and declares that I have to come out, for old times sake. We've not all been out in ages, that is true after all. I guess, it's how much you seem to genuinely want me to come that makes me make up my mind.
Even though I have hardly any money.
Even though I have nothing to wear.
Even though I've not seen you for ages.
I'll be there.

Love (with hope),

Me

Dear Heart,

Today I was reminded of one of our many nights out while at university.

It all started with the usual drinks at ours and then on to the different places around town. I don't remember much of that part of the night. They were usually filled with drinking (perhaps too much), dancing and laughing constantly. Sometimes laughing at your dancing skills. It was the time in the early hours of the morning that I remember most though, when we would stumble in through the door laughing and singing. The other housemates had gone home that weekend (as they so often did) and with nothing to keep us quiet it wasn't long before we had the guitar out singing and playing random songs. At the time I am almost certain we thought we were amazing, singing until our throats were sore... looking back, we were probably horrific. It doesn't matter either way because that memory of us is filled with such joy and love. At the time it was just the love of a friend, I hadn't yet been lead to believe that you were the one that I should be with. The one my heart was really calling out to.

I look back now on that night and it was just one of those perfectly imperfect moments. Where time seems to just pause. The dust stills in the air and the wind ceases to move and bend the trees. We were just us - pure, happy, stupid.

When did we lose that?

Love,

Me

Dear Heart,

I have been doing a lot of inward soul searching of late. Over the past few years I have felt my heart and soul growing darker and more heavy. Recently it has become too much of a burden for me to carry on my own and without having someone to share in those hard moments with I decided to take the plunge and see a professional.

For now, I am moving along slowly. Trying to learn to love myself more than anything else - which has always been something I know I have struggled with. One day soon perhaps I will get there.

I do find myself yearning for someone like you, who always made me feel like I was someone special and worthwhile. Like I was destined for great things and was this presence that brought light to the world. Perhaps I need to try to make myself feel like that instead.

Love (alone),
Me

Dear Heart,

Over two years have passed and although we have met up on a number of occasion (the number I could probably count on my hand) not much has changed between you and I. In fact, I fear that we have grown further apart and our lives are destined to drift ever along two different tracks. Sometimes I still feel that when we're together we fit too perfectly together, but then I have to shake myself and to spring back that memory that perhaps it's not to be.

So, what's new with me...

Not a lot.
I was seeing a guy towards the end of 2014 and brought in 2016 together where he met my mum. We got dressed up, went to a ball and had a whale of a time. And then, a couple of weeks after reigning in the new year he decided that it wasn't to be for us... and then a few weeks after that I discovered that the main reason for this was the fact that the other girl he was clearly seeing was pregnant! So that was the end of that! He had a little girl and they all look very happy together, so I'm pleased for him that everything's settled.
Following that I spent the majority of the year on my own, had a few cheeky online flirts, but nothing came from it. Then earlier this year I went on my first date in a long time and although he was lovely and we had an enjoyable night I could tell that nothing more was going to come from it. And that was fine. Now, I am still single and just mulling along.

I'm not that bothered by guys at the moment, perhaps I need to focus my heart inwardly for a change.

Bye for now,

Love (quietly),
Me

Dear Heart,

Happy New Year!

 

Another year has passed and yet I still think about you endlessly - how desperately sad!

 

I hope you had a good new year in distant lands. I wonder if you ever spared a thought for me as I brought in the year with a cheer... in my pyjamas and a drink, watching the London fireworks on the TV. It got me thinking to Bonfire night all those years ago and you decided to bring home a load of fireworks to set off in our back garden. All wrapped up we all stood outside as you set it all up. Everything went well and we "ooh-ed" and "ahh-ed" in all the right places. And then the grand finale, the big one, you stuck it in, lit it and ran back to me (how I wish you'd run back to me now...) and then with a pop and a bang it flew... right towards us! We leapt out of the way as it crashed its way into the house! Screams from our housemates as they ran down the corridor. A bang and then silence.

I just remember us standing there in that silence looking at one another with this almost empty expression - what just happened? And then you opened the door, I wondered what sight I'd see, and there was the kitchen, just normal... and all the other rooms. Everything was fine, aside from the mark on the boiler where it must have hit! The boiler of all places!

 

We laughed for quite a long time about that incident. It was that laughter where you realise you are lucky to be alive and lucky that you haven't blown anyone up! As the years have passed I still think about that moment every time I see fireworks. Probably is the reason I'm so paranoid about them and safety around them!

 

Even with the life threatening situation I still would never change this memory. God, it does make me smile seeing your face in my mind's eye. Just there, immortalised in that memory forever more.

 

 

Hope you have a great 2014,

See you soon hopefully!

 

Love (probably always),

Me

Dear Heart,

I have taken the plunge.

I have been brave and bold and daring - all the things I never thought I could be. In doing this I have remained true to myself and stayed caring and thoughtful. I am now no longer a part of a couple. Our life together is now over and although we have remained friends no more will we live together or share our lives so intimately together. No more plans for the future as a pair. Our plans now take on different forms - alone.

It is something I felt coming for a long time now. As well as we do get along we just want different things and, ultimately, why drag things along when the ending is pretty clear. We both want to go on a different path and we weren't willing to forge a new one together. These things do happen, and it is sad and it will take a while to move on, but we will. I know that. Next year will bring many new things for me.

 

I feel that there is something that I must learn though. I must learn to stop thinking about you so often as I do. You creep up on me when I least expect it and the problem is I have a sinking feeling that it is not the same for you. I have to tell myself (probably daily) that this is not how love works. You shouldn't have to push it. I shouldn't have to feel that I need to push my existence back into your memory.

 

For now, until you come to me, I shall say farewell.

 

Love (always?)

 

Me.

Dear Heart,

Sometimes I find myself questioning my judgement on you. I find that as time goes by from our cherished moment together that I begin to wonder if it really meant anything to you. Do you just say these things because you can, because you think it'll make me happy? Or course, it does make me happy, but what would really make me happy would be if you stop being so aloof! Speak to me! There are so many memories I want you to recall - do you remember them on your own or is it only when I bring them up do they start to filter back into that beautifully romantic mind of yours? I think I shall start reminding you of our memories more often... it's only fair that you should be cursed with having to remember all those wonderful times too! I hope you're happy.

 

Love (I guess always),

 

Me.