Dear Heart,

My boyfriend and I almost broke up yesterday. It was such an odd day. Things hadn't gone well the night before and we ended up having a big talk in the morning, but never finished it. That night we climbed into bed and I turned off the light - I always find it easier to talk with the light off, just looking at the dim outlines of each other makes it easier for people to talk, there's less pressure. So we talked... and talked... and I cried. It's funny, for weeks now I've been building myself up to break up (things just don't feel right anymore) and then, in the moment of it all - there was no shouting or arguing, we were just discussing it - all I could think of was all the things that I would miss about him. My mind buzzed with all of the things we have done together, the places we have been and what breaking up would mean and I just couldn't do it. Now was not the right time, for either of us. I found myself reaching out to my angels. I pleaded with them to help me, to help him to understand and not feel pain. I begged them to focus all their attention on him and leave me with the pain. I would gladly take the heartbreak in order for him to feel in control. They came to my aid in a way that was perfect... and he suggested that we give it a time frame. We would try one last time to make it work, give ourselves a month and if things aren't working or aren't changing and we feel the same... well, we would try and be friends we said. I explained that I didn't want to lose him as a friend, I whispered softly into the night that I would be scared to be going it alone and hoped that he would not leave me in such a way. We lay there silently, both deep in thought about what would happen if, in a month, we find that things have not changed. I thought about all the things that I would have to do, packing away all the memories and starting new. I thought about how bare I would leave the place we now call home, so much of the little things in this house are mine.

Whatever the outcome is now, I am pleased that we were able to discuss it in a way that didn't leave us falling out. Whatever the outcome we both know we tried.

 

Please, dear heart, please give me time to figure this out. I still think about you, I always will, but I need time to work through my mind. One way or another.

 

Love (I guess always),

 

Me.