Dear Heart,

A text from you:

Hey, C! We're all heading out tonight. Hoping you'll come along too?? x

Urgh, and just like that you are smack bang at the front of my mind again. I get all swept up in the moment. My heart fluttering because you have thought of me.

Then I actually think about it. Can I afford it before payday? Can I even be bothered?

My reply:

Aye up. Yeah maybe, not sure. What's the plan? x

Your reply comes in an instant, so unlike you, and declares that I have to come out, for old times sake. We've not all been out in ages, that is true after all. I guess, it's how much you seem to genuinely want me to come that makes me make up my mind.
Even though I have hardly any money.
Even though I have nothing to wear.
Even though I've not seen you for ages.
I'll be there.

Love (with hope),

Me

Dear Heart,

Happy New Year!

 

Another year has passed and yet I still think about you endlessly - how desperately sad!

 

I hope you had a good new year in distant lands. I wonder if you ever spared a thought for me as I brought in the year with a cheer... in my pyjamas and a drink, watching the London fireworks on the TV. It got me thinking to Bonfire night all those years ago and you decided to bring home a load of fireworks to set off in our back garden. All wrapped up we all stood outside as you set it all up. Everything went well and we "ooh-ed" and "ahh-ed" in all the right places. And then the grand finale, the big one, you stuck it in, lit it and ran back to me (how I wish you'd run back to me now...) and then with a pop and a bang it flew... right towards us! We leapt out of the way as it crashed its way into the house! Screams from our housemates as they ran down the corridor. A bang and then silence.

I just remember us standing there in that silence looking at one another with this almost empty expression - what just happened? And then you opened the door, I wondered what sight I'd see, and there was the kitchen, just normal... and all the other rooms. Everything was fine, aside from the mark on the boiler where it must have hit! The boiler of all places!

 

We laughed for quite a long time about that incident. It was that laughter where you realise you are lucky to be alive and lucky that you haven't blown anyone up! As the years have passed I still think about that moment every time I see fireworks. Probably is the reason I'm so paranoid about them and safety around them!

 

Even with the life threatening situation I still would never change this memory. God, it does make me smile seeing your face in my mind's eye. Just there, immortalised in that memory forever more.

 

 

Hope you have a great 2014,

See you soon hopefully!

 

Love (probably always),

Me

Dear Heart,

I have taken the plunge.

I have been brave and bold and daring - all the things I never thought I could be. In doing this I have remained true to myself and stayed caring and thoughtful. I am now no longer a part of a couple. Our life together is now over and although we have remained friends no more will we live together or share our lives so intimately together. No more plans for the future as a pair. Our plans now take on different forms - alone.

It is something I felt coming for a long time now. As well as we do get along we just want different things and, ultimately, why drag things along when the ending is pretty clear. We both want to go on a different path and we weren't willing to forge a new one together. These things do happen, and it is sad and it will take a while to move on, but we will. I know that. Next year will bring many new things for me.

 

I feel that there is something that I must learn though. I must learn to stop thinking about you so often as I do. You creep up on me when I least expect it and the problem is I have a sinking feeling that it is not the same for you. I have to tell myself (probably daily) that this is not how love works. You shouldn't have to push it. I shouldn't have to feel that I need to push my existence back into your memory.

 

For now, until you come to me, I shall say farewell.

 

Love (always?)

 

Me.

Dear Heart,

My boyfriend and I almost broke up yesterday. It was such an odd day. Things hadn't gone well the night before and we ended up having a big talk in the morning, but never finished it. That night we climbed into bed and I turned off the light - I always find it easier to talk with the light off, just looking at the dim outlines of each other makes it easier for people to talk, there's less pressure. So we talked... and talked... and I cried. It's funny, for weeks now I've been building myself up to break up (things just don't feel right anymore) and then, in the moment of it all - there was no shouting or arguing, we were just discussing it - all I could think of was all the things that I would miss about him. My mind buzzed with all of the things we have done together, the places we have been and what breaking up would mean and I just couldn't do it. Now was not the right time, for either of us. I found myself reaching out to my angels. I pleaded with them to help me, to help him to understand and not feel pain. I begged them to focus all their attention on him and leave me with the pain. I would gladly take the heartbreak in order for him to feel in control. They came to my aid in a way that was perfect... and he suggested that we give it a time frame. We would try one last time to make it work, give ourselves a month and if things aren't working or aren't changing and we feel the same... well, we would try and be friends we said. I explained that I didn't want to lose him as a friend, I whispered softly into the night that I would be scared to be going it alone and hoped that he would not leave me in such a way. We lay there silently, both deep in thought about what would happen if, in a month, we find that things have not changed. I thought about all the things that I would have to do, packing away all the memories and starting new. I thought about how bare I would leave the place we now call home, so much of the little things in this house are mine.

Whatever the outcome is now, I am pleased that we were able to discuss it in a way that didn't leave us falling out. Whatever the outcome we both know we tried.

 

Please, dear heart, please give me time to figure this out. I still think about you, I always will, but I need time to work through my mind. One way or another.

 

Love (I guess always),

 

Me.