Dear Heart,

A text from you:

Hey, C! We're all heading out tonight. Hoping you'll come along too?? x

Urgh, and just like that you are smack bang at the front of my mind again. I get all swept up in the moment. My heart fluttering because you have thought of me.

Then I actually think about it. Can I afford it before payday? Can I even be bothered?

My reply:

Aye up. Yeah maybe, not sure. What's the plan? x

Your reply comes in an instant, so unlike you, and declares that I have to come out, for old times sake. We've not all been out in ages, that is true after all. I guess, it's how much you seem to genuinely want me to come that makes me make up my mind.
Even though I have hardly any money.
Even though I have nothing to wear.
Even though I've not seen you for ages.
I'll be there.

Love (with hope),

Me

Dear Heart,

Today I was reminded of one of our many nights out while at university.

It all started with the usual drinks at ours and then on to the different places around town. I don't remember much of that part of the night. They were usually filled with drinking (perhaps too much), dancing and laughing constantly. Sometimes laughing at your dancing skills. It was the time in the early hours of the morning that I remember most though, when we would stumble in through the door laughing and singing. The other housemates had gone home that weekend (as they so often did) and with nothing to keep us quiet it wasn't long before we had the guitar out singing and playing random songs. At the time I am almost certain we thought we were amazing, singing until our throats were sore... looking back, we were probably horrific. It doesn't matter either way because that memory of us is filled with such joy and love. At the time it was just the love of a friend, I hadn't yet been lead to believe that you were the one that I should be with. The one my heart was really calling out to.

I look back now on that night and it was just one of those perfectly imperfect moments. Where time seems to just pause. The dust stills in the air and the wind ceases to move and bend the trees. We were just us - pure, happy, stupid.

When did we lose that?

Love,

Me

Dear Heart,

I have been doing a lot of inward soul searching of late. Over the past few years I have felt my heart and soul growing darker and more heavy. Recently it has become too much of a burden for me to carry on my own and without having someone to share in those hard moments with I decided to take the plunge and see a professional.

For now, I am moving along slowly. Trying to learn to love myself more than anything else - which has always been something I know I have struggled with. One day soon perhaps I will get there.

I do find myself yearning for someone like you, who always made me feel like I was someone special and worthwhile. Like I was destined for great things and was this presence that brought light to the world. Perhaps I need to try to make myself feel like that instead.

Love (alone),
Me

Dear Heart,

Happy New Year!

 

Another year has passed and yet I still think about you endlessly - how desperately sad!

 

I hope you had a good new year in distant lands. I wonder if you ever spared a thought for me as I brought in the year with a cheer... in my pyjamas and a drink, watching the London fireworks on the TV. It got me thinking to Bonfire night all those years ago and you decided to bring home a load of fireworks to set off in our back garden. All wrapped up we all stood outside as you set it all up. Everything went well and we "ooh-ed" and "ahh-ed" in all the right places. And then the grand finale, the big one, you stuck it in, lit it and ran back to me (how I wish you'd run back to me now...) and then with a pop and a bang it flew... right towards us! We leapt out of the way as it crashed its way into the house! Screams from our housemates as they ran down the corridor. A bang and then silence.

I just remember us standing there in that silence looking at one another with this almost empty expression - what just happened? And then you opened the door, I wondered what sight I'd see, and there was the kitchen, just normal... and all the other rooms. Everything was fine, aside from the mark on the boiler where it must have hit! The boiler of all places!

 

We laughed for quite a long time about that incident. It was that laughter where you realise you are lucky to be alive and lucky that you haven't blown anyone up! As the years have passed I still think about that moment every time I see fireworks. Probably is the reason I'm so paranoid about them and safety around them!

 

Even with the life threatening situation I still would never change this memory. God, it does make me smile seeing your face in my mind's eye. Just there, immortalised in that memory forever more.

 

 

Hope you have a great 2014,

See you soon hopefully!

 

Love (probably always),

Me

Dear Heart,

I have taken the plunge.

I have been brave and bold and daring - all the things I never thought I could be. In doing this I have remained true to myself and stayed caring and thoughtful. I am now no longer a part of a couple. Our life together is now over and although we have remained friends no more will we live together or share our lives so intimately together. No more plans for the future as a pair. Our plans now take on different forms - alone.

It is something I felt coming for a long time now. As well as we do get along we just want different things and, ultimately, why drag things along when the ending is pretty clear. We both want to go on a different path and we weren't willing to forge a new one together. These things do happen, and it is sad and it will take a while to move on, but we will. I know that. Next year will bring many new things for me.

 

I feel that there is something that I must learn though. I must learn to stop thinking about you so often as I do. You creep up on me when I least expect it and the problem is I have a sinking feeling that it is not the same for you. I have to tell myself (probably daily) that this is not how love works. You shouldn't have to push it. I shouldn't have to feel that I need to push my existence back into your memory.

 

For now, until you come to me, I shall say farewell.

 

Love (always?)

 

Me.

Dear Heart,

You're like a drug. When I spend any time with you it takes me so long to get over it. I sit doing my everyday life jobs and you just creep into my mind. Whisperings of all the memories we have shared. I find myself daydreaming of what I want to happen; of how our lives will one day be entwined and everyone of our friends would declare that it was "about time!" Then I have to haul myself back into the real world and hope and pray that perhaps one day my dream would come true. 

I know I shouldn't allow myself to feel like this and dream like this, but it's your fault! You do these things to me! You make me dream and feel inspired again. I wonder how long it'll take me to get over you this time? Last time I managed to tell myself that I needed to just let go… now I just can't. Why didn't I say all the things I wanted to say when I had the chance?! One day I will tell you, I have to or I will always be daydreaming and wondering. I'll be lost in my hopes and wishes and never move on and live my life (with or without you). 

Please don't forget me. 

Love (I guess always),

Me. 

Dear Heart,

I don't know how you do it, but you do. The truth is I have always loved you; from the very first moment that we met. I was nervous in our new surroundings and I felt that with you there I would be alright. Who would have known that I would have thrived though? That I would have blossomed under you watchful eye and helping hand. You always believed in me, never faltered, never questioned me or laughed at me or made me feel less than I was. If anything you always made me feel like I was the most amazing person in the world. Even now, years later, one evening spent with you and I feel elated, invigorated, like I truly am unique and wonderful and deserving of your affection. Even now my heart jumps and my butterflies, too often now lying dormant, begin to flutter in spirals. How can you still make me feel this way? For those few wonderful hours I felt like I was yours, truly yours and that the way you looked at me was the way that you would look at me forever more. I let myself believe that the safe, protecting, loving arms were there ones that were always going to envelope me and hold me close. I fooled myself into thinking that this was the way it would be, that this would be our happy ever after... and then I went home and lay next to the man in my bed. Mine and his bed. Wracked with guilt at how I had let myself get sucked into our little imaginary world.

I don't know how you do it, dear heart, but with a few words you manage to make my heart sing and my soul feel like it can soar above the world.

 

Love (I guess always),

 

Me.